brni (brni) wrote,

been dazed and confused for so long...

and looking out at the world, at the things going on, all my trials and tribulations are trivial. as of today, i can finally read. not much at a time, but those brain cells are starting to make their way through the oxycodone haze. and i'm reading about Jay Lake's ongoing cancer saga, about a friend's father who made the mistake of believing his employer when told that this asbestos stuff was perfectly safe. about haiti.


and yet, when the oxycodone hits, it's like a big slab of useless awfulness that presses down on me, smothering just about everything. there's no perspective. just me, this chair, and the pointless, stupid things that fill the time until bed. and then there's me, the bed, and the pointless stupid thoughts, until they are replaced by pointless, awful dreams.

i've been unreasonably easily frustrated, mostly at myself, but sometimes snapping unfairly at linda, who deserves in no way to be hurt, by me or by anyone else. and yet...

can an apology be meaningful when you know that it isn't over yet?
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