brni (brni) wrote,

the post-surgical brain

the post surgical brain (or perhaps the post-trauma brain - i remember this from my accident in '93 as well) is a horrendous thing. it is its own rollercoaster, complete with moments of calm, when all seems well, and the worst of it seems to be over. and then, a jaw-clenched pause at the precipice before a plunge into darkness. mix the chemistry released as the body tries to make sense of what happened to it with the chemicals that you and the doctors pump into it, and dump into the cuisinart with generous portions of helplessness, loss, pain, anxiety and fear, and you've got a lovely psychotropic concoction.

everything is magnified. the smallest kind gesture feels like a gift from the gods. but it is also when we're most vulnerable. if you really hate someone and you really want to do the greatest possible damage, this is the time.

i remember that from '93 as well.

yesterday i managed a shower of sorts. after, i was cold and shaky, and then continued to get colder. i had the up to near 80 degrees, multiple blankets, and could not stop shivering. the nice thing about modern thermometers is that the do not shatter between chattering teeth, filling one's mouth with glass slivers and mercury. the bad thing about modern thermometers is that after a while they stop working. a delayed beep and ERR on the LED screen.

today? today i am dreamsick. i woke from nightmares last night four or five times, vivid, hyperreal nightmares of deliberate cruelty in supersaturated colors. thats all i can remember of them now. had i been able i'd have taken notes when i woke each time - i feel that they were important dreams, for all their awfulness - but i had nothing with which to write within reach, within range of the machine to which i'm tethered. the nightmares have left my head, leaving nothing but the vaguest of impressions, and taken residence in the pit of my stomach, where they sit like month-old potato salad.


edit: of course, i totally failed to actually talk about the intended point of this post, which was to be the inability to remain on focus. i've tried reading, but cant keep my brain on the words for more than a page. linda wants me to sort out how to shunt hulu to the television so we can divest ourselves of our absurd cable tv bill, but the very idea seems insurmountable at this point.
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