A talking cat leads a group of kids to a field where they discover a talking sword that uses "thou" and "thine" and "d'ahrrrr!" The sword turns the kids into lusty pirate LARPers who have to go forward in time to steal a FTL spaceship from zombies that takes them to the Planet of Sexy Vampires That Feed on the Blood of Christ. The LARP-kids defeat the sexy vampires, bring Jesus back to Earth, discovering on the way that he's actually a rapist-murderer-cannibal. Upon returning to Earth, Jesus takes control of the Republican-Democratic Party and embarks on a campaign to destroy the world, which would be easily accomplished if not for the bleeding heart liberals and right-wing isolationists. Realizing their mistake, the LARPer kids defeat Jesus by sacrificing one of their own in a gory, intestine spilling ritual. They capture Jesus and return him to the sexy vampire planet.
Have I missed anything?