December 1st, 2005


white powdered nembutal

It started early this year, but I guess that’s to be expected with the schedule I’ve been keeping. I think it was back when I was in college, going to school full time and working as close to full time as you could in mall retail without them having to provide benefits. Thanksgiving would happen, and then the mad rush, the stores open from the wee hours to the witching hour, final projects and exams all due, and my own xmas preparations, inevitably put off until the last day. All the while, the days grow shorter and darker, energy levels diminish, and the pace increases to a quiet frenzy.

I typically find myself drawn to Shriekback’s album Oil and Gold during this time; it seems to express the conflicting directions the holiday season pulls moods, from irrational/cynical/innocent frenzy (“very little food is forbidden / sometimes we wobble, sometimes we’re strong / but you know evil is an exact science”) to calm despair (“just one slip and we can lose ourselves forever”). And I find myself alternating between doing nothing but work and becoming so exhausted and drained that I can’t seem to focus at all on what needs to be done.

This year, Kristen Hersh has given me a new song, Sno Cat, that captures pretty perfectly one of the extremes I find myself fluctuating between, from the plaintive cry of the guitar to the cold resignation of the vocals.

It is during this season that I find myself craving narcotic oblivion, and fearing what that represents.