Merry Christmas, my dear friends, family, lovers, ex-lovers, and other complete strangers.
And yes, I mean Christmas. This is America, dambit, and we're doing Christmas now, bless your little heathen hearts.
It's been a fairly mundane year for the Mojzes-Saboe household. It began innocently enough, on January 1st, with a cup of coffee. Yes, the first one's always free. That's how they get you. They suck you in. Pretty soon, you're out there scouring the streets for a cup of Ethiopian Yirgacheffe, and you've pushed your son into the Lifestyle to help feed your habit. A sad state of affairs, but necessary.
In February, both Linda and I abruptly aged exactly one year. It is uncanny how consistently this happens.
Linda has recovered well from her surgery (lumbar fusion), and has been able to resume some complex human activity that had been denied her for some time – such as standing, walking, sitting and lying down. It has been a long road, but one which has finally wound around to bring her back to her artwork.
In May, Loki (our adorable puppy) was abducted by aliens. Fortunately she was returned to us a few days later, unharmed and relatively unchanged, except for a new fascination with Victorian era gay erotica. She spends hours poking awkwardly at my computer with her paws and nose, prints up the stories and images she likes best, and then shreds them for bedding. Also, she now glows faintly under black lights.
We had hoped that that would be the last we'd be seeing of the aliens. Fortunately, when they returned, we were forewarned, and were able to drive them from our cornfield with glasses of water. We think we may have seen Mel Gibson sneaking around with a supersoaker. He was wearing a fake Burt Reynolds mustache.
Perhaps the most fascinating development of the year came in early September, when Brni isolated a hitherto-unknown computer virus. This insidious virus has been in the wild for some years now, developed by an International Secret Society of Mortgage brokers and Real Estate agents called AERMSSI (ISSMREA spelled backwards, a ploy which successfully threw Treasury off the trail for nearly a decade). Recent industry studies have shown that in excess of 143% of all computers worldwide have been infected with this virus, which obfuscates without altering financial calculations such that all manner of risky financial behavior appears not only wise, but necessary.
Through the concerted efforts of thousands of people, this virus has been purged from most of the computers currently in operation, except for those utilized by US Treasury Department personnel (where, for security reasons, corrected logic algorithms have been prohibited from being reinstated.) “With the current algorithms,” Secretary Paulson said, “we know exactly what to expect. If you correct the math, it might tell us things that are scary. We'd rather leave that for the next administration.”
Other than that, the year has been largely uneventful.
Here's wishing y'all a very merry and alla that.
brni & linda